


Okay

by emef



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: Desperation, Hugging, Laughter, M/M, Restraint, Shame, inadvertent hugging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 17:41:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emef/pseuds/emef
Summary: A psychodrama/PWP that includes inadvertent hugging, restraint, shame, and stupid words.





	Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Meerkat for the read-through and general handholding <3
> 
> (2019/04/02 note: made a few (small) changes; fixed typos)

It begins, like a lot of things begin for him, with a freak incident.

“You ok?”

”I think so. Are you ok?” James asks. He’s the one who fell on top of Ed, and not in a gentle way. Well - not so much ‘fell on top of’ as ‘thrown against.’ ‘Thrown backwards and into Ed’s arms,’ actually.

The big winter coats they’re wearing probably helped break James’s fall. Ed is loosely holding James, now, arms on either side of him, steading him. James’s back is against Ed’s chest. It’s - well, he’s the little spoon. The two of them are spooning, but upright. They’re vertical spoons.

But the subway just stopped very abruptly (violently, even) and a number of people screamed, and James did not enjoy that. He did not enjoy that at all. The physical proximity would, normally, be excruciatingly awkward, but having Ed’s arms around him, just now, is alright.

Ed shifts awkwardly. “I’m fine.”

“Did I hurt you?”

The subway was so full when it happened that there wasn’t space for anyone to fall down, but there currently isn’t any space to move apart, either. They’re really very close. James can feel Ed breathing in and out.

Ed laughs, but it’s tainted with hysteria. “Did you hurt me with your bony shoulders, you mean? No.“

“Did you fall on anything?”

“No. I’m fine.”

“Right. Good.”

James doesn’t like accidents. Well, no one likes accidents. Obviously. But James _really_ doesn’t like accidents. He’s had breakdowns (…many of them public) but they didn’t feel like this. Is it a panic attack? Is this what a panic attack is? He feels like everything’s slowed down and his surroundings have gone a bit sharp. Like in a film when a character becomes a superhero and their senses become stronger. Except boring and unnerving, because what if someone in the train has been hurt? James definitely does not want to look up and see something terrible, and -

“Does your hair smell like lavender?”

The images in James’s head go from terrible accidents to a field of lavender, even though he’s never seen a field of lavender. He’s just seen the picture on his bottle of shampoo.

“What?”

“Your hair smells like lavender.”

“So what if it does?”

Ed is so close that James can feel his breath on his scalp. “It smells nice.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Ed says, and James can feel the words as well as hear them.

He tries to twist around again. “What does your hair smell like?”

“Dunno.” Ed moves until James has enough room to turn around. They’re wearing winter coats and crushed one against the other it’s a bit like lying on top of someone who is inside a sleeping bag while wearing a sleeping bag yourself. Which is about as physically intimate as James’s childhood ever was.

Ed bows his head. “Go on, describe it for me.”

“Laundry. I’m thinking laundry. Soap that has ‘ocean breeze’ fragrance.” James says, his face full of hair.

“Maybe I’ve washed it by the shore.”

“Yes! But you used chemical-smelling soap so it smells like an ocean that was recreated in a lab. Or like an ocean that’s been imagined by a marketing team. Or, no, a studio! That’s it!”

“I washed my hair with Blue Planet.”

“No, with an animated film about the ocean. Ed. Your hair smells like you’ve auditioned for The Little Merman.”

Ed starts to laugh. And then… keeps laughing. He’s a bit delirious - his head falls on James’s shoulder and there are tears of his laughter on James’s jumper. When the train starts to move again it barely registers.

“Sorry.” Ed says when he catches his breath.

“It’s fine.”

Theirs is the next station, and when they get outside, James puts on his most reasonable voice. “Sorry to ask for a third time, but, are you ok?”

“I think - I think I was scared. I think I got scared.”

*

The Airbnb has two bedrooms.

Ed and James are sharing one of them and when they get back, they don’t go to the kitchen to drink some water, they don’t go see if Lloyd and John are still up, they don’t use the washroom, they go straight to the bedroom. They don’t turn the light on. They don’t say anything. Ed closes the door behind them, and they’re hugging, face to face.

“It’s ok.” James mumbles into Ed’s shirt. “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

“Shut up.”

When he says it Ed shoves at him, like he’s trying to push him away, but he does it with his whole body and with his arms around James and instead of pushing him away he ends up tipping both of them over. James doesn’t panic - he’d felt the foot of the bed touching the back of his knees so he knew it was going to be a soft landing - but Ed flails, and if anything he seems to become even more panicked than he already was. “Shhhhhhhh, it’s ok,” James says, pulling him on the bed properly.

They’ve landed on top of one another and James has Ed’s entire weight on him. It’s - it feels safe, really safe, like the last of the nervous, fearful voices in his head has finally quieted. Like that knot of tension between his shoulders is actually loosening. He just - he really _loves_ -

James hears himself moan. It’s a gentle moan, like a moan someone would make when they’ve just woken up and they’re stretching out their limbs like a cat, which is normal, but he’s just made it with Ed Gamble lying on top of him in the dark, which is not.

Trying to get out from under Ed, he’s just about to say ‘sorry, sorry, that was weird -‘ when Ed makes a frustrated sound. Like James is being very uncooperative.

“What -“ James starts to ask.

Ed pushes him down and kisses him. “I said, shut up.”

“Oh.”

*

He’s not - James isn’t stupid. Well. He isn't stupid _all_ the time. He isn't entirely oblivious, that is, he isn't unaware of the way Ed looks at him. He hasn’t always paid attention to it, but he would’ve had to be _completely blind_ to miss it.

He just thinks it’s best to compartmentalize.

Truth be told, he’d thought Ed was compartmentalizing as well. Ed, with his projects and his supportiveness and his ideas, seemed to want James to continue doing just what he’s been doing: enjoy the energy between them as much as possible, enable it, perpetuate it, never acknowledge it. And he’s done exactly that, hasn’t he? James has never so much as touched a hair on Ed’s head. Not one single stupid shiny hair.

He hasn't — well he has, now. He has one of his hands in Ed’s hair, and the other cupping his stupid bloody jawline at the moment. He’s kissing Ed (he’s _kissing Ed_?!) and running his fingers over his stubble, which is odd, and fucking, fucking intolerably hot, They didn't even start with gentle kissing, it was just - Ed falling over one minute, and tongue in his mouth the next. He can feel Ed’s lashes against his cheekbones, and hear inarticulate sounds and sighs coming from — coming from both of them. It’s overwhelming, it’s fucking crazy, this is crazy, Ed makes James crazy. He didn't, up until this exact moment, but now Ed is making James crazy. He's making him want to scream.

James panics and starts to push Ed, or starts trying to, anyway. Ed is so heavy and strong and fucking, fucking _enthralling_ that it’s hard to get away. But he pushes because Ed keeps kissing, and then groans because he wants Ed to stop but also he doesn’t. He doesn't know what he wants or what this means or why it’s happening. Should he tell Ed that he’s never done this before, or ask him whether he has any idea what he’s doing? Does Ed have any idea what James feels, any idea what James _wants_ or since when?

James’s groan becomes a growl and he tries to shove Ed away as hard as he can. It doesn’t work, Ed remains on top of him, but he stops kissing; he hovers above him, panting. Why isn't he moving? They can’t really look at each other because there isn’t enough light in the room, but -

“No.” Ed says, and he takes hold of James’s arms, and with in one alarmingly smooth movement, pins both of them behind James’s back. “ _No_.”

James suddenly feels… calm. Which, later, he will recognize as an unusual reaction. He also feels very, very aroused. “Oh.”

Ed’s erection digs into his hip and James moves, pushing himself up into Ed’s leg, so he’ll knows it’s mutual. But Ed doesn’t respond in kind; he tightens his hold on James’s arms and, making a low, guttural sound, he twists. It’s only a slight twist but it hurts, and James cannot move, and also James thinks he might come in his pants if he does it again.

“What, um…” Ed whispers, and bends his head down to kiss James’s temple. “I need to know your safeword.”

*

“Potato.”

“What?”

“Potato.”

Ed doesn’t loosen his hold on James but he reacts to James’s word with what might best be described as an incredulous choke of laughter. He rests his forehead against James’s and whispers - quietly, so quietly, as though he’s just saying it to himself - “Fuck.” Which should kill the mood but absolutely doesn’t. It just adds another dimension. It adds the ‘all the feelings James associates with making Ed laugh’ dimension.

“Fuck,” Ed whispers again.

“It’s not perfect,” James says, deadpan. “It can sounds a bit like ‘go,’ and I can’t say it while gagged but that’s my safeword.”

“Right.” Ed says, rallying. “Don’t know why I was surprised, really.”

James, of course, has never had a safeword. But he’s read a reddit thread about them. “What’s yours?”

“Same.” Ed says, rolling his hips up sharply and prodding James with his dick. “But pronounced ‘po-tah-to.’”

James has been told, in the past, that his inability to discuss serious things without joking makes people feel like he’s mocking them. He has been told that it makes people crazy. He does it anyway. He’s never had anyone do it back to him before.

He laughs, but suddenly an image of a future in which laughter becomes linked with a fucking _sexual craving for Ed Gamble_ floats through his mind and it looks like a walking nightmare. A walking shame erection nightmare. And the next time he hears the song ‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off’ He’s going to… who knows what he’s going to do. Fuck.

Ed grips him harder and twists his arm again. The pain just - whoa. It’s like the pain takes the worry in James’s mind and erases it. There’s just the arousal left.

Ed whispers, “Po-tah-to. James. Now you say it.” 

“Urngh.” James’s voice breaks and his entire body surges up.

“No, James. Po-tah-to.”

“Po-tah-to.” He says, and climaxes. “Fuck. Oh, fuck.”

“Yeah. That’s -“ Ed releases James’s arms, pushes himself up, and starts pulling his clothes off. “That’s what I want to do.”

*

Ed Gamble is tall and he has shiny hair and dark eyes and broad shoulders but the truth is that before meeting him, if James had been asked to describe the most good-looking man he could imagine, his description would have sounded nothing like Ed. Not that he would ever have given a genuine description. He might have joked that the most good-looking man he could imagine was Titanic-era Leonardo DiCaprio, to whom Ed bears little resemblance.

Ed, actually, looks like Billy Zane. James was never attracted to Billy Zane when he was watching Titanic, but he’s attracted to Ed, which is how, James decides, he knows that his attraction is real. When things happen even though you could never have anticipated them given prior evidence that’s how you know your feelings are genuine, and not the result of a load of social constructs or anything like that. That’s how you know they're authentic. That this is authentic.

After he comes in his pants — right into his cotton boxer briefs, and he’s not even sure Ed noticed —James opens his mouth and Ed thrusts his tongue deep inside. He wants more. He wants Ed to go further, to ravish him, until he’s reminded of the time Ed said the words “taking all that, isn’t he” on camera. James had to hear those words an unreasonable number of times — the Turtle Canyon team made him help them edit and they watched the clip over and over, arguing over whether it should be left in or taken out — and they lodged themselves in his mind and have never gone away.

He lets his legs fall open. Does Ed ever talk to anyone else that way? Does he know it makes him crazy? He must. And if he’s going to make him crazy like this he’d better do it, he’d better make him take. All. That.

When Ed slides down in between his legs and thrusts up, James spreads properly, knees up to his waist because he’s desperate. He’s desperate and past caring whether Ed knows.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” Ed says, his breathing unsteady. “You really want it, don’t you?”

James pants in response.

Ed puts his hand on James’s crotch. “You really want it.”

“Ungh.”

Ed unzips James’s trousers, and before James has time to tell him that he’s come once already, Ed puts his hand down his pants. There’s a brief pause, and then Ed says,

“Fuck.” The same way some people says ‘wow.’ “ _Fuck_ ”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t _apologize_ , you nutter -”

They both hear it, and Ed is about to laugh at his own unintentional joke, James can tell. And he can’t, he can’t… He blurts out, “Please don't say anything funny when your hand is on my dick.”

“Oh God, oh God,” Ed takes James’s wrists and pins them both over his head with one hand, and he keeps the other down his pants. “Oh, God, you said ‘dick,’ you fucking abstinent _tree branch_. Fuck you for making that so hot.” Ed strokes one finger up and down on that spot between James’s balls and his, um…

“Mmmmmhh.” James moans and spreads his legs further apart.

“You really want it, don’t you?”

“Ungh.”

“Say it.” Ed says it really really gently, like he’s trying to quiet a frightened animal.

“No.”

James doesn’t know why he says ‘no.’ He doesn’t think before saying it. He just says it: no.

Ed abruptly releases him and sits up, and it’s a shock. Cold air rushes between them and James realizes that he’s fully dressed with his trousers open and his pants pulled down and his bits splattered with drying semen, and it is so, so much more depraved than if he was just lying there naked. A completely uncovered body is just a body. But like this, in this pose, half clothed, it’s helplessness and shame.

He sits up. Reaches out to put his hands on Ed’s shoulders. It's still too dark for them to see each other but James looks up pleadingly all the same.

“Not, no I don't want it. I mean, no I won’t say it.”

Ed shifts away. “Say it.”

“No.” James mutters, and it sounds stupid. It sounds stupid but he says no. For some reason, he says no.

Ed starts getting up off the bed and James scrambles to stop him, his dick ludicrously bouncing around. He can hear Ed start to get dressed, and he reaches out to try to pull off his shirt while Ed’s pulling it on. He’s starting to panic.

“Ed, please.”

When James pleads, Ed stops moving and, while James’s hands are still on him, asks, “Please what?”

“Please come back here.”

Ed pulls away brusquely at that and James actually hears him _pick up his coat_ like he’s about to _leave the room_ , and that’s when he says it. It’s inarticulate and uncomfortable and James’s voice cracks halfway through but he says it. All of it.

“I want it! I want you, I want your dick. You’re so handsome and it’s so big, I could feel it against my leg, Ed. I want it. I want you to make me take all of it, I want you to make me take it and make me like it and please. _Please_.”

“Oh.” Ed says, and he gives him what he wants.

*

Sometimes, when it’s late at night and James is lonely, he reads texts people have sent him. He doesn’t tell people that he does that, because he’s pretty sure that they would think it’s sad. It’s not sad though, it’s nice. It makes him feel safe.

But he only did that with Ed’s texts once. He thought Ed’s texts would reassure him, but they didn't, they made him feel odd. Unsettled. Like there was something uncontrollable there. A feeling that was there even though Ed never really said it. A wild and defiant feeling.

When Ed finally pushes into him he’s holding James’s hands. James cries out, but Ed kisses him, open-mouthed, effectively smothering the sound. He threads their fingers together.

“It’s ok.” Ed whispers. “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

**Author's Note:**

> And now… dialogue from the cutting room floor theatre!
> 
> “I want to ravish you, you lewd hedgerow.”


End file.
